Deja Vu

Starting something, particularly something for the first time, has never been easy.

Every beginning is always TOUGH, well… say you DID jump into it once (yeah but it was decades ago) then you stopped then out of nowhere then you’re starting it all over again now, it’s a different story in a whole different level and dimension. You’ve got different experiences while you relentlessly have been expanding slots in your brain (poor brain!!) to store literally ALL feelings such as happiness, pain, bitterness, happiness, joy, sorrow, heartbreaks, the list goes on. 

Let’s say, you DID start something that made you super-excited, it was overpowering you, you breathed it, ate with it, went far and wide thinking about it, even slept dreaming about it. 

Then come hell or high water, something stopped you from doing it… tore you and your passion apart until one day you woke up in one morning realizing that you could actually live WITHOUT it.

For some time, you believed in that feeling, knowing you were actually captivated by some new things that brought you thrilling feelings you’d never known existed. In an instance you assumed that you’ve found your new passion. 

This is your life and this is what you want.

As time goes by, you’re starting to feel hollow. The echoes from the past resonate endlessly. Like you were woken up from a dream that reminded you… you were somewhere else, doing something else which actually made you feel like you were pretty much being yourself ALL THE TIME.

Without having to pretend, without having to hide behind the curtain to cover your true colors. Something in the past that actually remain soundless deep down inside, waiting to be woken up and revived. 
It has been a part of you that actually just altered into something (that you once believed) was “new” just because it felt and seen and sounded and tasted different while actually it was still the same thing. 

It never changed, it only "changed" in your mind and perception.

It altered because of your neediness for it to follow your endless motion, your desolate thoughts and your deprivation of feeling something new, whereas that “something new” you want isn’t essentially “there” or “felt”. It’s just your lovely misconception that will break and leave you emotionless and fragile once it decides to wander someplace new, to feel “something” that it thinks “new”.

Just like you did, long time ago.

So you decided that echoing sounds from the past that keep on calling your name, that you once left, has permanently been a part of you.

And that part of me that I once left but now I realize it’s never going anywhere, is writing.